Our country fails to teach men how to be masculine.
We live in a society of boys. I don’t know exactly why this is. I have my theory: feminism. Let me preface this by saying I am a very progressive individual (Donald Trump voice). Women should absolutely be given every right men should be given. If a woman can do the same job as a man, then she should earn the same wage a man earns. I agree with feminism when it comes to women’s rights.
But here’s the problem: in the headlong rush to fix the inequities between the sexes, feminism has unwittingly made men….feminine. Clients tell me all the time how they are afraid of hitting on women because they don’t want to be a predator. They don’t want to take control and set up the details of a date because they don’t want to appear domineering. Hell — men are even afraid to express overt interest in women. Ask any woman you know: “Do you hate it when men text you things like, ‘I am doing such-and-such, you can come if you want’ rather than just saying, ‘I’d love to take you out sometime, let’s go do such-and-such.’?” Most women I know hate how indecisive, fearful, and reserved men are with dating. The over-whelming majority of women will tell you they want an alpha-male type of man: someone who can take the lead, be confident, make decisions, isn’t afraid of being himself and putting himself out there. In short, women want masculine men. I’ve always found it paradoxical that feminism (or at least the bastardized form that it has now taken) tells men that all these qualities of the male are chauvinistic remnants of a patriarchal past. I have had women tell me that gender roles are completely socially constructed.
Here’s the truth: women want masculine men. Never listen to people that tell you anything else. Women never fall for the nice guy, or the guy that doesn’t make a move on the girl because he wants to be respectful. Some people — both men and women — will try to tell you that the world is changing and women find these type of guys attractive. Don’t listen to them. It isn’t true. Women want masculine men. So how do you be masculine? This blog begins a series on the subject.
How to Be Masculine
- Be Assertive: Say what you think and mean what you say. If you want something, then pursue it. If you dislike something, then change it. Men operate from a place of entitlement. A man never feels embarrassed or ashamed about his wants and desires, physically, emotionally, or spiritually. If you want to be a lawyer but you are already working a career, then take steps to fulfill your dream. Do not feel like it’s “too late” or you should “settle for what you have.” If you want to talk about a particular subject, then bring that subject up. If you want to do something for a date, or, alternatively, you do not want to do something for a date, then say so. Make the decision. If you want to kiss a girl, go into kiss her. If she rejects you then that’s fine. If she doesn’t want to talk about the subject you do, or go where you want to go, then that’s fine. Being a man does not mean you always get what you want. (And to state the obvious, being assertive does not mean you hold her down and kiss her if she doesn’t want to kiss you…) It means you go after what you want without regard to whether you will succeed or fail. This leads us to point two:
- Be Self-Validating: Seek your own approval before you seek other’s approval. If you go in to kiss the girl and she turns away, your first (and only) reaction should be to be non-reactive. Why? Because you weren’t trying to kiss her for her approval. You were doing it because you wanted to kiss her. She didn’t want to kiss you at that moment (or go home with you, or sleep with you, etc). That’s fine! Now you know. Continue the conversation as if nothing had happened. I’ve done this dozens of times. Later, after our relationship develops, women always tells me, “I knew you were the most masculine man I’d ever met when I rejected you and you continued on as if nothing had happened.”
Of course, self-validation goes beyond women. Don’t pursue a huge paycheck and the executive position if you have no desire to do so. Don’t do what your dad tells you to do. Do what you tell yourself to do. Listen to your heart and pursue your ambitions.
3. Do Not be Domineering. Sometimes I see men try to boss people around, or put other people down. This is not masculine behavior. This is weak, insecure behavior. Being a man is approaching a girl and talking her up; it is not forcibly harassing her until she gives you her number.
4. Take Responsibility: STOP BEING A VICTIM. I am going to include this one of every single part of this series. Men these days always play the victim. It’s “my parents didn’t raise me right,” or, “I was just dealt a bad hand,” or, “women are all bitches/ stupid/ superficial, that’s the only reason I don’t succeed.” I hate this quality in people. No matter what is going on in your life take charge and make sure you get the result you want. I remember once I was working on getting straight A’s in school. I had one class where the teacher kept wording test questions extremely ambiguous. I was nervous I would get the A- instead of the A. I told my dad about the professor and said, “Dad, I may end up with one A-.” His reply to me has always stuck with me, “Stephen,” he said, “that’s ridiculous. Do what you have to do to get the A. Stop making excuses.” Lots of people would look at his responses and think he is being too harsh: after all, 5 A’s and 1 A- is not a bad result. But he was right: there is no reason to ever make excuses. I spent an extra two hours per day studying for that class. Additionally, I went to the professors office hours twice a week, every week. I picked his mind to see how he thought when he was writing test questions. I ended up with an A in the class.
Never, ever be the type of person who makes excuses or complains about the way things are. Few things are less masculine. People complain about their jobs, their boss, their girlfriend, their friends, their school, their schedule — everything. It’s pathetic. I have no sympathy for these people. You should do as I do. When you are around people who are complaining or making excuses, you should listen to everything they say. When they finish talking, pause for a couple seconds. Then change the subject.
Person: “My boss is an asshole blah blah blah blah blah. I would make so much more money if only blah blah blah.”
You: I’m going to the football game this weekend, are you a football person?
That's it for now! Come back for part 2.