Why I Stopped Slut Shaming
For years, I shamed sluts. I never meant to be derisive. In truth, I thought I was doing them a favor. If you tease a behavior long enough, I reasoned, eventually the person would learn and change. Fundamentally, I believed that women who have sex with multiple men were disgusting, disloyal, and low-class. If a woman was willing to sleep around then how could I possibly trust her in a relationship? Wouldn’t she whore-around on me? What would stop her from sleeping with my friends?
Oh, how little I knew.
I’m a dating coach. I teach men to meet and attract beautiful, high-quality women. No one should be surprised to learn that I spend a relatively large portion of my time hanging out with a wide assortment of women. Over the years, I have discovered a truth about dating. There is no such thing as bad girls and good girls. It’s a myth, a society propagated belief that some women are born “classy” while others are born “nasty.”
For all the guys out there, listen up. Virtually all women love sex. I am continually impressed by how little women really differ. Yes, it is true that some women have significantly more sex than other women — I’ll get to that in a minute. Of the literally thousands of girls I have talked to over the years, the number one factor influencing how fast the girl will have sex is not the girl herself, but the image I give off.
At different times of my life I’ve been in different places. When I partied hard, girls would regularly sleep with me the same day. As I grew older and started focusing on my company and my future, I noticed that women tended to want to wait for sex (mind you, by “wait” I mean one date, maybe two). In some cases the girl would even claim to want a relationship before having sex. As a psychologist, I was intrigued. Why the difference? Is there a difference between women? Are there good girls and bad girls? I decided to experiment.
I reasoned that the reason women put off sex was not because they wanted to wait. In fact, they put off sex because they thought that is what I wanted. That’s right. I believe women are programmed to think that if they want to land a boyfriend then they need to make the guy wait for sex. Why? To demonstrate to him that she is not a slut.
So over the next couple dozen women I dated — and, remember, these are the same types of women I had been dating: doctors, nurses, lawyers, business women –, I casually asserted a “slut-friendly” view of sex. I would criticize the double standard that exists for men and women regarding sex. At appropriate times, I’d work in a story about how my best friend, who is a girl, told me her and her boyfriend had sex within two hours of meeting and now they are engaged. I’d turn the conversation towards psychology, and talk about how research indicates couples who engage in sex quickly are happier. I’d tell other stories about how much I resented men who feel the need to brag about their sexual conquests. In short, I conveyed a strong sense of sexual non-judgment. I let her know, subtly, that I would absolutely not judge her for having sex with me. Further, I let her know that if she did I wouldn’t tell anyone.
The results? Nuclear. I felt like I was back in college, almost every time the girl wanted to have sex the first day I met her. Turns out, most women want to have sex just as much as men, and just as frequently, but they do not want to be shamed for it.
So why did I stop slut shaming? Think about the implications of my little experiment, guys. That girl you are dating who made you wait six months to have sex, thus “proving” that she is a “good” girl? Given the right guy, she almost certainly would have had sex within a day or two. Because she’s a slut? No! Because she’s a woman. Even women who genuinely consider themselves to be “good girls” have usually had sex with at least a couple guys very quickly. The whole idea that some women are classy enough to make you wait for sex is a myth.
And that’s ok! I am mind boggled that men think this is a bad thing. I’m a man. I love sex. I am not ashamed about it. I cannot see why women should be, either. As long as all parties are honest with each other and themselves, then sex should not be that big of a deal.
When I was younger, I used to date a bunch of women while expecting all of them to date only me. Hypocritical, I know. As I’ve grown older, I’ve realized that I am not only O.K. with my women dating other men, I actively encourage it! I know I probably lost a lot of guys out there, but hear me out. If you are casually dating a girl, you want her to experience all the other guys out there. Once she realizes that you are by far the best option, your relationship with her will be stronger. She will value you far more than she would if you pressured her into a relationship quickly.
But wait a minute, Stephen. What about the girls who sleep with tons of guys? Aren’t those girls that sleep with hundreds (or, possibly, thousands) of guys, “sluts”?
Nope. I hate the word slut. Look, there are some people out there — men and women — who have sex with other people in an attempt to fill an emptiness in them. These poor souls constantly try to find love through having sex. Deep down they are so lonely that they seek ten minute sexual encounters so that they may briefly forget their pain.
So yes, there are people out there that have absurd amounts of sex for the wrong reasons. I have a question:
Should we shame them? Really. Should we? If someone suffers from depression, should we shame them? If someone who went through a childhood trauma has difficulty coping with everyday life, should we shame them? Do we shame the lonely and the oppressed? Of course not. We empathize. We seek to help. When you shame people with an emotional issue, they retreat further into themselves. In short, slut-shaming makes the problem worse.
We’re better than that, aren’t we?