On Being a Man Part 1

For women, sexual desire is linked with respect. If she feels that you are a man that has a well-defined vision and knows what he wants, a man that is mature and takes life seriously, a man that makes her feel safe, sexy, and appreciated, then she's going to work to keep you. 

I'm in the early stages of organizing a book on this topic, so I've decided I'm going to write a series of blogs about this to help me gather my thoughts. At the heart of everything I'm writing is the notion that if you want a great woman, you must be a great man.

Lots has been written about how a man needs to be "dominant" or "alpha" to attract women. It's true -- but no one ever talks about what it means to be dominant. Ever met the guy that irrationally insists on things being done his way, even when his way makes no sense? Think guy on the basketball court that calls out plays and coaching advice but finished the game with one bucket, no assists, no rebounds, and six turnovers. Chances are he thinks he is asserting his dominance. 

Here's the problem: he's working with an incomplete understanding of what "dominance" is. Being the leader is not just about telling people what to do, it's about having a good idea why you are doing it. Leadership is two parts. First, a leader has a genuine vision. Any direction he gives help achieve this vision. Our basketball player understands this, he wants his team to win. He thinks he's giving direction to achieve that goal. What he misses is the second part. A leader must be capable of delivering. Imagine you're balling and some guy says, "Get down low. I'll pass it to you and cut back immediately. Get me the ball." You go down low, get the pass, immediately toss it back to him, he dunks, and you guys slap hands while you run to get back on defense. The next time up the court he says, "Same thing but this time fake the pass to me and go up for the basket." Are you going to do it? Probably, especially if you've seen him setting other team mates up, playing hard defense, and generally succeeding at winning the game. It's natural. That's the first lesson I have to give: leaders lead only at the forbearance of their followers. 

Its worth repeating: leaders lead only at the forbearance of their followers. If you don't improve the lives of the people who follow you, then no one will follow you. You can tell people what to do all you want, but if you're not the authentic piece then eventually -- sometimes soon, sometimes late -- you will be exposed and people will stop following your lead.

So if you want to really attract women then the smart thing to do is to work on yourself. Learn to be dominant with yourself. Learn to handle all the different issues that come with enforcing a plan, in all different areas of your life. Through this and other posts, I'm going to be going into a lot more detail about these different issues and how to handle them, but from a mile-high the picture you should be seeing is one of self-improvement. As a coach, I feel this is an area that really separates guys that get it from guys that don't, so at the risk of beating an issue into the ground, I'm going to attack this from a couple different angles.

First, let's be honest about what you really want a woman. All different guys want all different things -- some want one-night stands, others want a relationship. I don't care what anyone wants, and it can change throughout your life. But imagine you're a guy that wants some type of relationship with a woman. Being honest (i.e., throwing your social programming away) you probably want your woman to be beautiful. For me, that means I want a woman who is not only genetically beautiful, but she also goes to the gym, eats well, wears make-up when she's out in public, dresses well (I love dresses skirts, and a very classically beautiful look -- that's just my taste), and is very clean.

What do I have to be in order to deserve a girl like that? Well I better be in good shape, well dressed, healthy, clean, and well-groomed too! Before the PUA's, the old pimps and players used to school kids in the necessity of always dressing on point. Chances are at some point you're not going to be happy with some way your girl is handling herself. Maybe she has a little addiction to fast food that needs to be broken, or maybe she doesn't like to dress up in public (or for that matter, in private). If you meticulously take care of your appearance everyday, lifting weights, eating on a perfect schedule, taking care of your hair, and your nails, and your eyebrows, ironing your clothes, getting all your clothes fitted, and dressing smart everyday, then when you talk to her about her behavior then she's going to be much more receptive. Why? Because she respects you. It's like your boss at work. If he's up on you about working harder and you've just watched him slack off all day, you aren't going to listen. But if he is grinding hour after hour, working harder than anyone, then when he asks you to go do something you're going to feel guilty for being lazy and get back to work...

(Small caveat/ note) ...unless you're a terrible worker. The definition of a bad worker is someone who is surrounded by a good leader and good teammates and simply doesn't want to do the work. If you meet a girl like this, it's ok, and it doesn't mean she's a terrible person, or a bad woman. It just means that she isn't the right girl for your mission. Imagine, for example, you do everything we just discussed and you go up to your girl and say, "Hey baby, I've noticed that every day when you get off work, you're tired and the thought of cooking dinner seems stressful, so you pick up Micky D's on the way home. I'm worried about your health, because I know in the long term eating bad food is going to make you more unhappy. Have you thought about preparing your meals with me when I do it on Sundays?" She listens to you, and then says, "I like eating Micky D's everyday. I'm going to keep doing it. Stop trying to tell me how to live my life." What do you do? If it is me, I'm putting distance in that relationship. A lot of my clients find this harsh, but the reality is that it's exactly the right thing to do. You're going to see how difficult it is to discipline yourself. It takes constant effort. Just keep my appearance up is difficult enough, and that's without factoring in my career, hobbies, and other goals. I have no time in my life for people who are not on board with my mission. Just like a supervisor at work, if I see someone who is not onboard with the mission then I'm going to try to talk with them, try to build them up and coach them, and if they still don't show interest in growing, then I'm going to fire them. It's better for them and it's better for me.

For you to feel justified in acting this way, you have to really embody whatever mission you are trying to accomplish. If you want her to be very feminine, then you need to be very masculine. There is nothing more disgusting to me than the person who has very high standards for everyone but themselves. I cannot tell you how many times clients tell me, "Yeah, I can get the so-so girls, but I really want the gorgeous women." It's almost every single one.

That's why I start all my clients on a firm course of self-discipline. You want the model who goes to the gym and eats healthy while also studying for medical school? Hmmmm....well, buddy, you smoke cigarettes everyday, your idea of going to the gym is two sets of curls with the 10lb dumbbells, you work at Subway and you aren't building up to anything else in your life. How can you possibly expect to get the type of girl you want?

Better idea: figure out what the hell you really want out of life and go after that with everything. Yeah, sure you might have to let a few fantasies go, but you'll become a man. You won't be able to play video games with your friends. You probably won't have time to smoke marijuana. It's going to be hard. You will often doubt yourself, and you will often fail. You will have periods of pure stress, and you will lose friends that aren't on the same mission that you are. You are the most difficult person you will ever have to lead. If you have a sweet body, a sweet bank account, work and hobbies that you find meaning and fulfillment in, and friends, family, and women who count on you to make the right decision and take care of problems, then you're going to find that you have very little time to just relax. But, as Nietzsche said, there is no price too high for the privilege of owning yourself. 

Sooooooo much of modern dating advice focuses on mimicking these behaviors. Shit Tests? No problem if you have a good idea what you want out of life. I'm on my way to Northwestern to be a lawyer. There is a 0% chance that a woman (or anyone) can get me to doubt myself about being a lawyer. I can't tell you how many times women say, "I hate lawyers." Guess what? It's my calling. I might not even want it, but fate dictated that if I am not defending criminals then I'm going to feel empty and hollow. I put 70 hours a week into law school, and I'm going to let a woman make me doubt my dream? Gtfo as the kids say nowadays...

That's it for this post. Quick summary: Dominate yourself first.