Every guy wants to know how to talk to girls.
If you believe women, girls just want you to be yourself. If you listen to some guru’s, in order to get girls you need to learn an eight step system and wear a Dr. Seuss top hat.
Ya. Right. Here’s the truth: learning how to talk to girls can be as simple or as complicated as you want to make it. In my book, I break attraction and dating down to its fundamental components and teach men step by step everything I know about getting women. The book is over two hundred pages, and I do not waste a single page. Dating, attraction, women, and sex can become very complicated if you want it to be. However, at heart, any guy can learn the basics behind talking to women quite simply.
Women want a guy who has fun, takes the lead, and connects with them while simultaneously moving the physical conversation forward. Simple, right? It really is. Most men approach talking to women as a problem to be solved. Instead of enjoying themselves, they analyze. Instead of going with the flow, they concentrate. Instead of teasing, they pontificate. Here’s the good news you guys: women really aren’t that complicated. Guys that know how to talk to girls know that women like to have fun.
Believe it or not, when women go to bars, it is to have fun. When women hang out with their friends, it is to have fun. When a girl talks about you to her friends, you want her to describe you, amongst other things, as the fun guy. You know those times in the past when you’ve hung out with friends and everyone is laughing, and teasing, and joking? That’s what you’re aiming for. Thousands of hours with clients has taught me that having fun is often a necessary condition to getting the girl.
Here’s some more good news: there isn’t a scientific way to have fun. Having fun means something a little bit different to every single person. When it comes to talking, having fun often means joking around, teasing, telling stories, and laughing. I’ve seen guys walk up to women and beat their chest with their fist King Kong style and walk away with the girl hanging from their arm (again, King Kong style). Conversely, I’ve witnessed introverted men go up and coolly make fun of girls. It all works. How to talk to girls, then? Be yourself. But have fun while doing it.
Still, there are characteristics that guys who are having fun with women tend to share. Suave men know that having fun means leading. To explain this I’m going to have to get a little scientific on you guys. Everyone lives in their own reality. Our past experiences combine with our beliefs, our genetics, and the way we were raised and produce a mental map for living in the world. In a vacuum, this map tells us how we perceive the world around us: what we find fun and funny, what we believe to be right and wrong, our goals, and where we want to go in life — everything. However, we do not live in a vacuum. When two or more people interact with each other, mental maps clash with each other. Whoever is more confident in their mental map wins.
One of my clients recently shared a story with me. He was at a bar watching the NHL playoffs. A beautiful woman was sitting next to him, so he asked her which hockey team she was pulling for. “Man,” he said, “she looked at me and condescendingly said, ‘oh my God, you like hockey? Who likes hockey these days?’ What am I supposed to say when a girl says that to me?” “Simple,” I replied, “You should have looked at her with an equal amount of incredulity and said, ‘You don’t like hockey?'” My client, like, most men failed to maintain confidence in his reality. When most men try to talk to girls, they try to figure out the woman’s reality. This is fundamentally backwards. I’m going to let you all in on a little secret… Women want you to take the lead.
Women want the man to pull her into their reality. Really, they do. Unfortunately, our society teaches men that being the considerate, chivalrous gentleman will get you laid. As if somehow bending over backwards to please a woman will make her like you. It’s crazy. So how do you talk to girls? You lead the interaction towards fun. Whatever, positive, fun, good times means to you: live that. You can do whatever you want as long as it is positive, fun, and comes from your own reality. I’ll walk up to girls and say, “Ok! Ok! I saw the way you were giving my friend the evil eye over there. I’ve come to stand up for him. That’s it we’re going to fight, right here, right now, put um up!” Then I’ll put my fist up in a mock fighting stance and pretend to box with her. Because I am approaching from a place of genuine fun and positivity, girls sense that I am just having a good time and they’ll mock fight me back too.
In reality, “how to talk to girls” ironically has less to do with what you say, or even what you do, and far more to do with what type of energy you are giving off. Enjoy yourself, have fun. Good things will happen, I promise. Oh, except for one caveat. You must simultaneously be moving the physical interaction forward. What does that mean? It means you are touching her. Physical interaction with a woman distinguishes you from being “just a friend.” In my boxing example above, I might have shadow boxed with her for a second and then playfully acted like she knocked me out and I’m leaning on her for support. As the conversation progresses, you should touch her in more and more familiar ways. I am not telling you to touch her sexually in public. I mean you should be progressing from a touch on the elbow, to a brief touch on her waist, and then to your arm around her shoulder. Everything should feel natural.
In addition to distinguishing you as a potential suitor, touching also paves the way to further escalation. You can’t go from never having touched a girl to making out with her. It’s just awkward. In all of the Love Labs products and training, we go over how to go from friendly touching to kissing, and, ultimately, sex.
Let’s recap what we have so far. You must be living in your own reality, having fun, and leading her while simultaneously touching her. Easy enough. There is only one more component missing from this. True pros know that having fun needs to eventually lead to having a connection. After you have joked with her and you are both clearly having fun, isolate her away from her friends and casually start to bring up more personal details. Again, this should feel natural. Don’t over analyze this. You aren’t talking about deep child-hood memories, you are sharing (and asking for) individualizing information. Here’s an example of the whole process:
You: “I saw how you were glaring at my friend. That’s it, we’re fighting! Put um up!” (fun)
Her: <mock fighting> (fun)
You: “Oh no! You knocked me out.” touching
Her: Ha! I got you. (fun)
You: But seriously, you totally could be a boxer. I mean look at the size of your hands! (fun, teasing, but edgy)
Her: You jerk! (Fun, but pulling back)
You: Noooooooo! It was a compliment, you have well proportioned hands, so you would have good hand speed. (fun, teasing)
Her: Oh, ya right! You: No, really, I’ve been boxing and doing MMA since I was a little kid and my coach always talks about how important being well proportioned is and when I was sparring with you there I noticed how proportioned you are. (connection, personal details)…But I think I would still beat you in a fight! (fun, teasing)